I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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