i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
