when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
