I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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