My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
