I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
