Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
