never play flip cup with pint glasses
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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