Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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