Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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