my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
