I hope mine doesn't look like that
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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