dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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