I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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