when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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