I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
