I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
