I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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