Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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