I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
