Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
