What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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