the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
