Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
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She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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