I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
