Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
