Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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