I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
