I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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