Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
