As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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