The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
