Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
