Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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