Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
