If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
