i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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