my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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