i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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