Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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