I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
