I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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