Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
