remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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