The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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