He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
