I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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