mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
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I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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