Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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