I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
