I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's rum buckets o'clock
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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