I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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