On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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