what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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