i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
