I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
then he tried to convert me to islam
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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